Happiness....

They say happiness is relative..oh well it is..for me it has made its way into my life at the most unexpected of times and turns...there was a time when a walk through flooded streets holding my shoes in my hand oblivious to the dirt and pouring rain was an exhilaration beyond my normal senses.A quaint lunch and a cola float and giggling away through a M night shyamalan movie was pure bliss. Then came a time when a fruit juice during sunny afternoons from the shop around the corner amidst the bustle of city life dampened all noise and chaos.Meeting up with a friend and spending hours on deciding between a la kiev or mexicana was more complicated than the trade off between debt financing or equity.I have found excitement in day long sweaty tired rehearsals on sandeep's terrace or in waiting in the wings for a corporate speaker to finish his rather long yet meaningful speech(back then it seemed meaningful..but no longer though) so that i could step on stage and thank him for his time and enjoy my two minutes of fame.
Years go by..geographical transitions extended beyond national boundaries and happiness is all about finding the cosiest apartment..walking down unknown streets and realizing that nobody within 5000 miles knows you here yet you feet so free so independent..the isolation seems perfect for the moment.We are all on a quest to make ourselves happy..no matter how selfish that sounds it's somehow so true..we make friends so that they fill up our vacant slot for emotions that extend beyond family...We drink an extra glass of wine so that the light headedness makes us forget the inhibitions that we might have about laughing insanely on crowded streets.One moment we are alone..the next finds us finding peace happiness and a sense of belonging amidst total strangers who seem to be the faces you were looking for in this unknown city.You rediscover quaint little places here..the same dilemmas bother you..is it china town or is it curry mile.The rains bother you but only for sometime till you start romanticizing it again amidst the backdrop of monumental university buildings and through the large glass panes of library windows. We leave memories,family,comfort zones,our identities to form new ones..I started writing my blog way back in 2006 when i was in another transition phase of my life and I pick up one quote from my first blog because i find my thoughts as scattered yet as reflective as they were back then.It's time to cherish old ties yet make new ones..probably some that would last till the next phase of my life and probably some that would last a lifetime..I am on my way to happiness yet again..and I know this quest can never end..yet my happiness lies in this realization of never feeling totally happy...

I thought i was too self satisfied..i thought my life couldn't get worse than what it was...I was happy with my tragic self pitying self...i took loving parents,doting siblings and crazy friends for granted...i was a loner in the crowd..i heard myself sighh every time I was happy about something..then along came the pied piper...he didn't have his flute yet I heard his song...I lost my sensibility..I lost my worldly likes and dislikes...I was in a daze..weeks passed..months seemed too long..then he drove me to the edge and disappeared..as i did the free fall glimpses of my life flashed before my eyes...i was meant to be a happy girl in a pink pinafore with pigtails staring at the magician taking out the cute bunny from his black top hat..i was clutching onto my father's white shirt as he took me for my first day in school...i was singing along my favourite nursery rhymes with my mother as she hung the clothes on the line,,,i was flying colourful kites in my brother's arms...I love the smell of freshly baked vanilla cake..I get tensed when I play musical chairs at birthday parties..i giggle every time the hero kisses the damsel in distress...I dance every time they play rock n roll..I stay awake all night thinking about the cute boy who helped me take out the book from the top shelf in the library...I wait in line for the first show of hugh grant's next romantic comedy..love his blue eyes...I love to be in love...I get hurt yet i love the people i'm no longer with..I am supposed to be a happy girl in a pink pinafore....

The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it again every single day...everyday we face the same truth.. that life's fleeting..that our time here is short.. and to honor the fallen we must live our own lives well.
I'm not going to say goodbye..neither will I cling onto remnants from the past
My nightmares will not torment my dreams..I will wake up to them the first thing in the morning
Worn out denims and cause screaming t shirts will inspire couture.
A walk in the rain..a bowl of homemade noodles and cola in the flicker of candlelight will be a gourmet's delight!
A big white screen..a projector..an open field...Humphrey with his baritone..the ideal movie night.
I will be happy if you are sarcastic..i will be happy if you trash me and my idealism...I will sing my song when the world is in chaos.

Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am a utopian citizen
I'm still convinced
There's no such thing as idealism

Memories they're following me like a shadow now
And I'm dreamin'
Cause I've already suffered the fever of disbelief

I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were

It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn't soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I'm mesmerized by the picture that's in my mind

Tell me when I'll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
'Cause I don't want to keep on believin' in illusions

No no no

Cause I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were

It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
I wish you were here

Mamma Mia!

Ok I have been totally hooked onto Abba for the last two days.Well our relationship is not limited to the first two dates..it dates back to the days when i was a precocious little girl of 6 and heard them for the first time on those big black circular records that my dad used to keep as his choicest possessions.There were others in that precious collection of his..The ventures,Cliff Richard..our dear Mr. Harry Belafonte with his to die for baritone..madame Joan baez..Simon & Garfunkel and my all time favourites 'The Carpenters'.
Growing up in a typical bengali household rabindrasangeet occupies a major part of your musical knowledge..and then you grow up venture out to high school and college and pick up your 'own kind of music'.Rabindrasangeet was an integral part of my life as well since i was being trained in creative dancing from the time i was four or could just move my two little feet in a coordinated manner.And it will be highly unjustified to say that listening to 'Ore grihobashi' and 'Amar hiyar majhe' or 'amar bela je jai' still doesnt stir up the bengali soul in me just like before. But somehow my father who was regarded as quite a jazzed up lad during his heydays..the ubiquitous elvis sideburns..strumming on the guitar and twisting to Boney M..introduced me quite unknowingly to this whole new world of music.I still remember those winter afternoons when baba(he had lost those sideburns by now..and the guitar's noise was dampened by the chaos of running the family business) would put on one of those records..take me up in his arms and dance to 'honey honey' or 'Matilda' like he had never danced before.Ma could never comprehend this whole passionate routine of ours..dada unfortunately had two left feet..but he used to hang around us dancing fools(i prefer the term 'dancing queen' for myself).As i grew up these afternoons became fewer and fewer partly because the kid in me became the girl who could no longer be carried in her dad's arms and partly because the daily humdrum of school,studies,friends gave me a pretentious sense of independence.Growing up was about Boy bands with their immature vocals..sugary lyrics and aphrodisiac infused videos..high school was more about being different from the crowd.. U2,metallica,the eagles..college was about social awareness,standing for a cause..trying to find a different meaning about everything.. emerging independent rock groups,alternative rock,world music.
Records had been replaced by cds..box players by the sleeker music systems..you could store thousands of songs in one much smaller circular disc...and somehow my winter afternoons were replaced by laser lights..tequila shots and rock shows where people danced away without knowing the music.Inane words..singing out of tune was the new rage..and i somehow learned to enjoy this 'noise' and appreciate the whole out of sync situation. Then i reached 25..took a sabbatical from work..started spending some time at home..rummaged through my old collection of cds..but somehow couldn't find anything that i felt like listening to.However it was a similar idle afternoon that literally saved my soul.. was trying to set a new caller tune for my connection and I bumped across the familiar tunes of 'Gimme Gimme Gimme' by ABBA and i found the key to resurrection.Made a frantic scavenging attempt in mom's piled up old boxes where she likes putting away the 'unwanted' stuff and voila I found a way to relive my past...baba's old records..covers worn away..some bent some broken yet when u put them on the cracked melody reminded you of the days when a successful twist to a 'Jailhouse Rock' elevated you to an instant 'Supertrooper' status. Reminiscing can be a morbid affair at times and it has usually not been a very pleasant experience for me; till that fateful day(Ok I'm being melodramatic but well music is all about an overdose of emotional catharsis).Ironically ,the same technology which i was playing the blame game with, gained absolution..i used google search to download unbroken mp3 streams of ABBA,Elvis,The Beatles and turned them into a glorious record which i plan to treasure as one of my life saving secrets.
Music has songs..songs have lyrics..lyrics are primarily words..yet why is it so difficult to express the feelings you attach to music.I can tell the whole story of my life..my first love..my first heartbreak..my first tear..leaving home..coming back..loving hopelessly..being bitter like never before through songs..yet when i make an attempt at trying to feel the same emotions through my words i am a total failure.I guess in a way its for the best..music transcends all words and all i can do is dedicate (another!) song to those winter afternoons with my dad..It goes like this

So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs Im singing
Thanks for all the joy theyre bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me

Mother says I was a dancer before I could walk
She says I began to sing long before I could talk
And Ive often wondered, how did it all start?
Who found out that nothing can capture a heart
Like a melody can?
Well, whoever it was, Im a fan

So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs Im singing
Thanks for all the joy theyre bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me

Ive been so lucky, I am the girl with golden hair
I wanna sing it out to everybody
What a joy, what a life, what a chance!
(ABBA-Final single released in Nov1983..)



'

..and Hansel said to Gretel" let us drop these breadcrumbs so that together we find our way home because losing our way would be the most cruel of things". This year I lost my way...and losing your way on the journey is unfortunate but losing the reason for the journey is a fate more cruel.
The journey lasted eight months.Sometimes i traveled alone..sometimes there were others who took the wheel and took my heart.When the destination was reached it wasn't me who arrived..it wasn't me at all.And once you lose yourself you have two choices..find the person you used to be or lose that person completely..because sometimes you have to step outside of the person u have been and remember the person you were meant to be...the person you wanted to be..the person you are.

She sat on the porch trying to think of the year gone by..the dilemmas,the decisions,the triumphs.the disappointments but overall the year that changed how she looked at her own life. Her roomie in the rehab had once told her that human life was chaos.So if human life was chaos then there must be something out there to organize it somehow..but what was it? Her best friend moved town..her boyfriend thought it was best to take some time off..she totally bummed out at the class elections(she had been winning it for the last four years)..her parents were the nazis..the only thing keeping her alive was her music.She had met him at a party..on some random school night when she had managed to sneak out yet again! He seemed to be totally at ease with himself..standing in a corner..there was a curious coordination between the puffs and the sips though his eyes seemed to have wandered off somewhere else..it's tough to remember the exact course of events that followed suit but she remembers one thing..that night was the night of illusion..of hallucinations.The stranger remained a stranger..she never saw him again but he had brought with him the ticket to a world she had vague premonitions about.Night after night she found her resources..the travis CD cover became the base..the queen of hearts found her way from the deck to being the separator..and the white pale powdery substance became her elixir! she found her life sort of organized..her thoughts clearer..people were easy to understand..but when she looked into the mirror it was not her but the image of someone she tried hard to reconstruct out of her memories.Then came another morning..the sun shone bright..the neighbour's car made the awful whirring sound..the toaster popped right at 7.30 (her mom was the prime meridian)..she opened her eyes and the world seemed hazy..no she could see very well without her specs..she had reading glasses for crying out loud..but then what sort of astigmatism gripped her today??

*(This is just a beginning to some wayward thoughts that would be posted every week!..facing a writer's block at this hour..so signing off..any ideas to continue the story would be welcome gnite!)

Dante once wrote...
Remember tonight for it is the beginning of always, a promise.
The belief in each other in the possibility of love.
A decision to ignore or simply rise above the pain of the past.
A covenant which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties.
A celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead.
For two will always be stronger than one.
Like a team braced against the tempest of the world.
And love will always be the guiding force in our lives.
For tonight is a mere formality.
Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held made long ago in a sacred space.

revelry,emotions,the uninhibited eye contact across the room,the smile of desire,the immense feeling of security,the promise to spend a lifetime together..don't we all want to be a part of this fervor..the romantic fool,the heartbroken soul,the pining lover,the practical feminist,the impractical seventeen year old. Some of us find love young yet get married old..some find love amidst the very chaos of their existence and life becomes an illusion..some of us believe love is best not expressed but a pain to be experienced..some think love exists in the world of poets and writers and is used as a tool to popularize their creations..but we all think about love at least once in our lifetime.
It has always been the story of two yet the destinies of so many. We promise a lifetime of happiness to somebody and stand as the cause of unhappiness for so many..the ones who wanted to tell us how much we meant to them and their dreams..the ones we never knew existed yet for them loving us was what they lived for..they might have been our greatest love and by some cruel twist of fate or by a gentle nudge of destiny we forsake them for a love which we thought we could never have.We passed them in lonely college corridors in lonelier summer afternoons..we typed unassumingly on the keyboard as they sat across the office cubicle waiting for the perfunctory smile from us..we joked about them as they found their love put away by scorn or indifference..but we never knew them!
What brings greater happiness ..to know that your love is unconditional or to know that you are loved selflessly?What brings greater pain..to know that you can never love someone as much as they love you or to know that they can never comprehend the sheer intensity of your feelings?
I start this blog with random thoughts about a feeling which i could never define for myself..I never knew whether what I had felt for so many years was love or something else..but I know that whatever it was it had helped me in experiencing human emotions in their truest form...this is an ode to those feelings and to the people who had inspired them!